i just want to be left alone

(Disclosure: the following poem contains allusions to suicide and self harm. If you struggle with these thoughts in any way, please, decide for yourself if you should read this. We should not be afraid to talk about mental health, and that's what I'm doing here today, but know your own limits and do not push yourself.)



What use is the 999 when they won't send somebody
unless there's a body
Unless there's a villain masked and oddly enough
'Is the patient still breathing' is not something to be asked
when the patient is alive but not well
Living but no one can tell what hell she's lived through
The things she's done or that have been done to

You walked away
your white jacket shining bright as the night enveloped you
like a beacon to our wary eyes
But we needed no beacon to hear your cries
concealed behind the 'do you have a cigarette'
and 'I want to be left alone' but
you knew we wouldn't, couldn't do that

Up the tree you climbed
around your neck you wound the sleeve of your flimsy jacket
the butterfly tattoo wrapped up snugly because you couldn't hack it
balancing on young shoots that bent and snapped
under your weight
But it wasn't just the weight of your body
it wasn't just the branches that broke that night

Down to the ground you fell
and that's where I found you
In the dirt
Not visibly hurt
but bleeding from wounds you wouldn't tell us about
Just a couple of strangers whom you decided to open your mouth to
and let words spill out
where substances had earlier poured in

I held you as your body convulsed rejecting the substance
and me crying 'where is the ambulance?!'
Swallowing back tears because this is not about me
but the woman who fell from a tree
in an attempt to free herself from a world of pain
that she didn't create
where the loss of her child is heaven's gain
But you can't help but hate
that feeling of helplessness
So you took drugs to fill this
void
This hole inside your heart the exact shape of your daughter
You'd rather go after her than live another day in this horrible way

Sounds of retching
Hand outstretching
Shallow breaths and a faint heartbeat
My head on your chest listening for defeat
but you fought
I have a feeling you've always been fighting
maybe more than any of us do
to get through
Doing what we have to
And you did
You did it
You actually did it

I'll probably never see her again
The woman who needed a friend
but wanted to be left alone
I just want to know
that she's okay
She'll probably never be okay

She just wanted to be left alone